No Kids on Mother's Day Please, Gift These Instead

It happens every year. The day set aside to honor moms for their sleepless nights, sacrifices, dedication, and devotion all year kicks off with children bringing mom that good old breakfast in bed and handing them a homemade card or macaroni necklace. Then, the family gets dressed up and heads out to a lovely restaurant for a special brunch in celebration of moms everywhere.

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So basically as a reward for my tireless work you just woke me up to give me another piece of child art that I have to figure out how to store and “cherish” for the next 10 years or until someone forgets about it and some burnt toast, then forced me to dress children and drag them to a packed restaurant to spend the better part of two hours reprimanding them about their behavior, not getting food all over their nice clothes, and to “just eat the food”.

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I’m not sure who decided that this was the way to honor moms on Mother’s Day but can I just go ahead and opt out? Like not for just this year, but henceforth and forever?

No to brunch, no to macaroni necklaces, no to ANYTHING that requires me to mom on Mother’s Day.

Over the years, I’ve had a few people guffaw at me (yes, I said guffaw, it’s literally the only word to describe the reaction) when they heard me say I don’t want to spend Mother’s Day with my child. My response: You wanna work on Labor Day? No? Why would I want to Mom on Mother’s Day?

Fact is, most of us would rather not spend Mother’s Day with our children. Of course I can’t speak for all mothers, some want to spend their day with the human beings who gave them the title of Mother, aka SuperHero, in the first place. But the rest of us? Nope. Take those kids somewhere else please and thank you.

What do we want? Glad you asked.

Sleep, for the love of God, SLEEEEP

Oh how we fantasize about sleeping! The soft caress of a blanket coupled with the plush embrace of a pillow while dancing through clouds of darkness on waves of silence in a galaxy of unconsciousness…**swoon**. Hey dads, kids, and friends of moms here’s your chance to be the hero. Put up a sign on the door that says “MOM HIBERNATION DAY”, take the children out of the house, do the laundry, knock out the grocery shopping, and let me sleep! Better yet, rent me a hotel room with a super comfortable bed and strict instructions for housekeeping to STAY AWAY! I promise you will be appreciated!

Time With Friends

Moms regularly complain that they don’t get to spend enough time with their friends. At some point, we resolved to only make friends with other people who had children so that we can have play dates which are partly for the kids, but aaaaalsoooo partly for us to hang around other adult human beings and possibly have wine :-). For Mother’s Day, we’d love some time to sip adult beverages and have uncensored adult conversations with our friends that are not interrupted every five minutes with “Mooooooom Kimmy won’t share her toys” or “Mooommmeeeee, I have to go potty” or “Maaaaaa, can we go home now?!?” Yep. I just want to be a grown-up woman who has conversations at normal volumes about things that are inappropriate for children to hear. Definitely not asking for a lot.

Pampering and Relaxing

Listen, this may surprise you but we really don’t know when’s the last time we got to use the toilet uninterrupted let alone enjoy a nice bubble bath. At some point we started sneaking nail appointments into our grocery store runs because it’s the only time we’re outside of our house without small people following us around. Massages? What are those? If you want to give me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift send me somewhere that is all about catering to me and my needs – a nice, relaxing spa. Not only are they going to focus on me, which is something I’ve likely failed to do all year, but they don’t allow children in there!! EUREKA! This is a two-fer guys and if you can make it a day with friends you just won Mother’s Day!

A getaway

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Want to win the entire year? Send me away, far away to a land where responsibilities and worries are placed on hold. Husbands and boyfriends are welcome on these trips, maybe. A trip with friends is great. A solo trip is a good gift too. Kids? Also a maybe. Mother’s Day trips with adult kids are fun…and they can buy us drinks! The great thing about a vacation is, it’s an opportunity to escape the day to day life and get back to being just a person.

Mom becomes such a huge part of who you are the moment you find out you’re becoming one. Its definition is so long that the words which defined you before motherhood get scrunched up and pushed to the back. Time away from “normal life” gives us the chance to get back to those things that described us before we became mothers – fun, daring, bold, carefree, spontaneous. It’s not always the case that these things become nonexistent with motherhood, but it is often the case that they become muted because we are required to spend so much time being SO many other things. A vacation is quite frankly one of THE best gifts we can get, according to our group of Wandering Moms. Don’t count on Calgon to take us away, let Delta do it! YASSS!!!!

No Judgement

Motherhood is the undisputed HARDEST job in the entire universe and also the most judged. I’ve had mothers tell me that they chose to spend time alone or took trips without their children and received all kinds of judgmental comments about it. Lay off the moms, ok. We are tasked with managing the existence of another person. The pressure that comes along with this is nearly insurmountable. It’s a surefire recipe for disaster to expect us to step up to this task every day and never take time for ourselves. Time off is necessary for our sanity and for the sake of our children. Happy women make great mothers and a huge part of that happiness is doing things for ourselves. We don’t need your judgment, we just need you to come get these kids!

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Here’s to all the women brave enough to allow their hearts to move around independent of them, wise enough to guide and nurture that heart, and strong enough to live, laugh, and love through it all…may your Mother’s Day be filled with unconditional love and devoid of children!